Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Swimming to the surface






Beyond Blue...

Well, it's been quite a while. The only true, wonderful, purely sweet things seems to be my kitties and their antics and love.

My husband's father passed away a couple of weeks ago. It came much faster than anyone expected. The cancer was just beginning to cause him pain, but perhaps mercy visited, as it was his heart that gave out in his sleep.

He had been afraid of suffering and wasting away as his brother had and he missed his beloved sister Grace, who had gone before, just a month ago.
My husband understandably took it hard for a bit, but he is moving on fairly well. He said losing his Mum when he was 16 was much worse.

Even before dad passed I had been struggling with depression. Every day had been harder to get through. I can't seem to pinpoint one thing over the other that has me so emotionally incapacitated. I stay in my pj's most days, only pulling on jeans and a sweatshirt to get some groceries. My husband sometimes drags me out for coffee, but I can't wait to get back home and nap. I have not been able to find a good pain reliever yet, so rest and hot baths and showers are a refuge.

I have three books started and I can't finish any of them. I re read the same paragraphs over and over before tossing them aside. I stare at the tv and not really notice what I'm watching. It's just noise to fill the silence.

I haven't turned on my computer for nearly a month. I've been afraid to blog. What could I say? This. All I have right now is how sad I am. Yay, what fun for you to read!

Now, my fingers hurt again and for what? A sad blog entry...

I know I need to snap out of this. My kitties are all happy and healthy right now and they should be the stars of this blog. Perhaps after some time I will do an overhaul of the blog.

Thank you ALL for being so kind! Karla told me that my friends have been worried and I was very surprised. She said that Spring will come. I just have to hold on to that.

Cricket is now, quite full of herself after saving me. She wants a nurses cap
a paycheck and two weeks paid vacation. We settled on unlimited Fancy Feast in her favourite fishy flavors.

Billie and Cody are doing really well. Billie has taken to sleeping on my bed a lot, so I bring her food up there. Today, she actually came downstairs and is napping on the sofa. Maybe she knows I'm finally blogging.

Toeshee is his usual naughty, sweet little clown self. He loves to chase the cursor on my husbands laptop. Look at his funny, cute little face.

I hope you all aren't mad at me, but I understand if you are. I wish and hope I can swim to the surface of this deep blue pool I have fallen in.

Hugs~

9 comments:

Daisy said...

Oh goodness, I could never be mad at you! I hope you are feeling better soon. Springtime will be here soon, and I'll bet seeing the beautiful flowers in bloom will help!

My Mommeh just started a new job, so we are having a bit of trouble getting used to having her gone all the time now.

The Kool~Kittie~Krew said...

OMC! How could we EVER be mad?!? We understand completely, as our mom went through a bought of depression before. Every once in a while, it hits her and she pretty much doesn't want to much. We really hope you are starting to feel better and just think...Spring isn't all that far off! And the pictures were absolutely adorable! Our little Cricket is a cursor chaser too!

Sending you gentle hugs and purrs...

Amy and The House of Cats said...

Oh my goodness Lorianna there is no way ANY of us could be mad at you - and I am sure that many of us have gone through similar situations (if I wasn't working I would probably be pretty much where you are - I cry everyday, so know you are NOT alone in being depressed). We are so sad to hear about your father-in-law. That kind of thing is very hard, and we know it probably just made things a bit harder.

And don't worry about the blog - type whatever you want - kitties, yourself, a weird story about an elf. That is what they are for!! Take time off, write 15 posts a day - whatever helps you feel better! Just know we are all here for you and all thinking about you - posts or no posts.

And, as far as Cricket - well a while back I sent you an email with an award just for her. Not sure if you got it but we hope you did and it made you smile for a few seconds.

We are one of those who have been worried about you - we even posted on the CB to see if anyone knew you were ok! So we are very glad to hear that, though you are quite sad, you are "ok" so to speak.

We are always here for you - if you get stressed and need to get something out feel free to send us a random venting email - I know that can make me feel better sometime!

Sending you lots of purrs and hugs!!

Amy & the Kitties

Pierro said...

ha! you are thinking silly things. We could never ever ever be unhappy with you. Now, granted, we have been thinking about you quite a lot lately and wondering how you were getting on.

I think you need to keep resting and do not be annoyed with yourself. That might be some of the reason huh? We get so disgusted with how we manage our day to day struggles that we punish ourselves with disappointment.
Enjoy your wonderful kitties that make your day worthwhile. Yes, go out for a coffee or just a little bit of getting out of the house even if it is just a short time with the hubby.
Stay warm. sometimes mom gets so cold she wears two pair of sweatpants!
You know you are loved so much.
Every day just do one thing that makes you happy, one thing that satisfies you. Just one little thing and then be a little bit pleased about it.

And remember, you are loved <3

bonks Billie Cody and Toeshee!!

Sweet Praline said...

I'm not mad at you at all. Mom sent you a message on FB and we keep checking in on you. We think about you a lot and want you to know that there are people out there that care. Mom says to tell you that she understands the "blues" when you've gone through so much pain.

Come by and visit my blog anytime if you want to smile!

JB's Big and Small Worlds said...

We are so sorry you are not feeling well still. And of course we are not mad at you. We have been worried! And we are sorry to hear about your husband's dad too. It has been a really hard time for you.
We want to thank you for the wonderful card you sent!!! We got it yesterday and it is beautiful. How did you know my mom loves peanut butter and chocolate together?
We hope you start to feel better with spring coming. My mom hibernates in the winter and hates the cold, so she gets a little depressed too. We hope you feel better soon! Give all the kitties a scritch from us.
Purrs,
JB

Helena said...

Take it easy and be gentle to yourself :) and oh no! I've just realised that I only put 3 cat toys in your parcel, not 4.

Shaggy, Scooby and Scout said...

I know how you feel Lorianna because I go through it too. My world was solid black a few weeks ago and I was thinking no one would miss me if I weren't here.
I have emerged from that but the depression lingers. Can't focus, concentrate, cry too easily. I wake up in the morning and can't wait to get back to bed at night. And that's with a nap in the afternoon. I've had mild depression all my life, it's only in the last 10 years that I've been having these deeper episodes, and yes, I do take meds for it.
I tell you this so that you know you are not alone. You should still have my email, write me if you want to. Believe me I have a sympathetic ear!
Hold your kitties tight! They are indeed life savers with their unconditional, non-judgemetal love.
(((hugs))) Lynne

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